Elizabeth Lombino

Below is a piece I wrote back in July about my family’s decision to have one child. All of it still rings true today — in fact, I’m feeling even more stigma now that Mia is getting older, and that I’m getting older. Just the other day, a person I see on a regular basis said to me, quite firmly, “So when are you giving Mia a little brother? She needs a playmate, you know.” Seriously. All of the elements of the Procreating Rules & Regulations Handbook were in these two sentences. Not only was it assumed that I would no doubt have another child, but it was also implied that I would just automatically have a boy. It’s the whole “one of each” rule that’s explicitly stated in the Handbook. Not to mention that I would be a terrible mother to cheat Mia out of a “playmate.” Because, as every parent knows, the role of the sibling is solely to provide entertainment to the first born. It’s also in the Handbook – look it up.

To me, this is all still very humorous. I still get the strange looks when I tell people that Mia is enough. Let’s just say my inquisitor mentioned above looked at me as if I had voluntarily swallowed my own foot. Yet I’m okay with that. I can laugh and move along, knowing that my husband and I are making the best decision for our family. So in case you missed it the first time around, here’s the original piece. Enjoy!

One and Done: Reducing the Stigma of Having an Only Child

People seem to be bothered that I’m not pregnant. By people, I mean everyone but me and my husband. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter who is healthy, happy and just a bundle of energy.  We have no plans of having any more children.  We are content in our decision. Others are not as pleased.

I never realized just how much people care about our procreation plans.  And it seems to be more intense now that we have a child.  When we were first married, we had the occasional questions about starting a family.  Now that we have a family, everyone seems preoccupied with our making it larger.  Maybe since they assume we are fertile, we’re going to continue breeding.  Especially now that Mia is approaching 4, they think time is running out.  Like if I don’t get pregnant soon, we’re going to miss some magical window.

When I tell people that we’re done with having children, I get a mix of emotions from the inquirer, all of them intense.  The conversation usually goes something like this:

Nosy person:          How is Maya? (A few people are convinced this is her name.)

Me:                            It’s Mia.  She’s great!

Nosy person:          Soooo, when are you going to start trying for another?

Me:                            Another what?

Nosy person:          Another baby!  Maya needs a little brother.

Me:                            Not a little sister?

Nosy person:          Oh no, you must have one of each!

Me:                            Well, actually we’re done.

Nosy person:          Done with what?

Me:                            Done having children.  Mia is plenty.

Nosy person:          (long pause with look of shock and confusion) Oh.

That’s usually where the conversation ends.  I certainly don’t want to extend it and the other person is usually shocked into silence.  Ok, I admit I may be exaggerating a bit, but only a little.  This seems to be a heated topic for some people.

Sometimes if I know the person well, they will ask follow-up questions after they regain composure.  The questions are usually about me and trying to find reasons for my awful decision to have only one child.  Questions like, were you an only child, or did you hate your siblings, or did you not receive the American Culture Handbook on Having More Than One Child?

I never realized how much people care about having more than one child.  Apparently it’s a topic that is getting more attention as it was the cover story of the July 8, 2010 issue of Time Magazine .  The writer shares my feelings regarding this issue and seeks to debunk all the many myths out there.  These myths have been repeated to me dozens of times by all those people who fear for the sanity of my daughter if she really truly does stay an only child.

My favorite is the myth of the playmate; that we need to have another child so Mia has someone to play with.  It’s a big assumption to assert that Mia and her potential sibling will get along or even want to play together.  Not to mention that the new baby would be immobile and more focused on eating and pooping for quite awhile.  Not sure if Mia would enjoy that much at all.  Mia has plenty of friends and cousins her own age.  Yet, the myths prevail and they are powerful.   Almost all of my friends and acquaintances who have children have more than one.  Or they are trying to conceive in the hopes of not having their child be an “only”.  All of this makes me incredibly curious about this insatiable need for parents to have more than one child.  And curious as to why all those parents of only children get the flack that we do.

Here’s a little background on our decision; maybe this is my way of helping people better understand our decision (I’m not being defensive or anything, really).  When Rich and I got married and started talking about having children, we envisioned having 2 or 3 or even 4.  We wanted a big family with lots of kids. When I got pregnant with Mia, it was an amazing, intoxicating experience.  I had an uneventful pregnancy and could imagine myself being pregnant over and over with no problem.

Then I went into labor.  That’s when it all changed.  Looking back now, I realize I was experiencing an intense Perinatal Mood Disorder. In an instant, I became intensely anxious and overwhelmed and was full with panic and dread.

The next year of her life was a blur to me.  All the symptoms of severe PMD fit me perfectly.    Thankfully I have an amazing husband who got me the help that I needed.  It was a rough recovery and I’m still receiving services.  I’m a firm believer that PMD, especially Post-Partum Depression, just doesn’t magically end when your child begins to walk.  Parenting is unlike any other experience and for those of us who have compromised mental health, there are challenges every day.  Through my treatment I have had 3 gynecologists, 2 psychiatrists, 1 psychologist, and 2 clinical social workers tell me what I already know – that if we decide to have more children I will almost certainly have PMD again.  And the next time may be worse.  That’s not a situation I’m willing to risk giving Mia a playmate for.

Rich and I made the decision that Mia is enough.  Given my medical condition and a few other major factors in our life, having another child is not the best choice for us.  It is not realistic for us to have a large family like we originally planned.  We are completely at peace with our decision.  We love our little family.  Mia is amazing and we know we are better parents to her now than if we had more children.

It seems that having one child is becoming more popular and less of a stigma. We certainly aren’t the only parents with only children.  People are realizing that only children are wonderful, happy kids; not at all fitting the stereotype of the “lonely only”.  It’s clear that Mia is a vibrant and well-adjusted child with plenty of friends and great sharing skills.  She seems more interested in getting a cat or a dog than a sibling.  That works for us!

Filed under: Hope Notes, Just for Laughs, Motherhood, One and Done, Parenting, PerinatalMoodDisorders, Self-Care | 7 Comments »