It’s Okay to be Nice

Posted on June 14, 2013 by elizabethlombino

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.” ~ Dalai Lama

There seems to be an unwritten rule in our culture that if you are too ”nice”, you must also be a pushover, weak, frail, or even pathetic. Somehow, having compassion for others is not always a favorable trait to have.

Why? What is so wrong with being “nice”?

The opposite of nice is mean, and people who tend to be mean are not exactly seen as favorable either. So why are people who are seemingly at the other end of this spectrum also seen as undesirable? What’s up with ”nice” bad rep? And is there room for a balance between being nice and also being firm? Our culture can be so polarizing – you either are or you aren’t. It’s either black or white, good or bad, right or wrong. Either you are nice or you are mean. What about a version of nice that also includes strength and accountability?

I firmly believe in the power of nice. Compassion. Empathy. Caring. Happiness. These are all synonyms for what I believe nice to mean. They are also incredibly positive words, so how they are possibly viewed as negative traits is confusing and disheartening to me. People call me happy. I take it as a compliment. Sometimes it’s clear that the person did not intent it to be a compliment. People have told me I smile too much. Really? Now that’s just sad.

It’s also a reality. There is a  part of our society that embraces being hard, firm, rigid. Tough love. Newsflash – that’s an oxymoron. As if expressing love in its purest form is somehow wrong. This just does not feel right to me. While I do believe in the balance I discussed above, it’s difficult for me to grasp how two extreme concepts such as “tough” and “love” can coexist together. Love can include boundaries and limits, to be sure, yet I’m not sure I agree that it can also be “tough.”

So maybe I need to readjust my own definition of balance. Maybe I believe in a version of love and compassion that is closer to “nice” on the spectrum. I am a Progressive Liberal, after all.

When I decided to go to Social Work School, I remember thinking that I would be surrounded by some of the nicest, most giving and compassionate people on earth. Why not? Isn’t it inherent for professionals who are responsible for the well-being of others to be nice as well? Apparently I was incredibly naïve. Even in my so-called oasis of compassionate professionals, I met some of the most cynical, disgruntled, and downright nasty people I have ever met. Shook my belief system something fierce. Part of me was so incredibly disappointed. “But wait,” my oh-so-green self whined, “Social Work is all about helping and healing and caring …. isn’t it? ISN’T IT? Did I enroll in the wrong school? Where are all the nice people? Where?!”

I was incredibly surprised by this. It showed me just how pervasive this notion of “it’s not good to be nice” is within all areas of our culture and life. So many of our cultural icons based their entire existence on the concept of “being nice.” Martin Luther King, Jr, based his entire activism on nonviolent civil disobedience. My favorite quote from him is all about his vision of love: “Darkness  cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” While he certainly was firm and determined in his quest for equal rights, he was also compassionate in his delivery. He taught us to help our neighbors. To come together in love and hope, not be divided in hate and injustice.

Yet, for a variety of reasons, helping our neighbors is a taboo for many members of our society. Providing unconditional and genuine support to those less fortunate is frowned upon. Politically, you are seen as a Socialist, or *horror* Communist. I firmly believe these terms are thrown around by people who don’t have a clear idea of what they mean. But let’s save that for a separate post.

I will never stop being nice. Call me weak, make fun of me … it’s okay. It won’t be the first time and certainly not the last. I’m okay being labeled ”too nice.” I would rather be looked at curiously for smiling too much, than to not smile at all. I feel energized by positive energy, even if others feel uncomfortable. So I will continue to smile and be happy. No matter what. Because I genuinely embrace being nice.

“I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.” ~ Lao Tzu

Filed under: Compassion Fatigue, Hope Notes, Just for Laughs, Recovery, Self-Care, Social Media, Strengths Perspective, Stress Reduction | Leave a Comment »

The Hazards Story

Posted on December 25, 2012 by elizabethlombino

Over my years of Social Work clinical training, I’ve learned a lot of metaphors and stories to help explain some of the concepts I teach.

One such story is called the Hazards Story. It was conceived of, and taught to me by my former supervisor and colleague, Donna Ellenbogen.

Here is a brief, adapted version of the story:

A fellow professional travels the country training colleagues in the field of psychology. He is wheel-chair bound and would drive to most of his training engagements in his large van that accommodated his needs. For one engagement, he had to travel the length of the New Jersey Turnpike. For anyone who has spent any amount of time on this stretch of road knows that it is chaotic and not driver friendly. Just drive 70 in the left lane and see how many horns get blared in your general direction. This gentleman would travel in the right lane (it is a 3-lane highway in most places), going several miles below the speed limit (65). No one drives even the speed limit on the Turnpike, let alone slower than that, but he did. Needless to say, he was welcomed by an endless slew of swerving, honking cars with drivers yelling obscenities and making every obscene gesture possible.

The next day, he had to drive the route all over again. Around 55-60 MPH, in the right lane, on the NJ Turnpike. This time, he decided to put his hazard lights on. This simple change drastically changed the reactions of the travelers around him. Now, rather than an endless barrage of nasty looks and horns honking, the exact opposite happened. More cars just went around the van, without any aggression or obscene gestures. Several cars even slowed down next to him to see if he was okay. Sure, there was still the occasional outburst from a road-raging driver (this was the NJ Turnpike, after all), yet overall, the response he received by making this simple change was astonishing. By simply put on his blinking lights to alert others to his preferred method of driving, he minimized the stress of the situation. He received more compassion and less angst.

The moral of the story, and the meaning we teach, is that if you alert those around you that you are feeling stressed or behaving in a way that is out of the ordinary, you may just increase your chances of receiving more empathy and less frustration from those around you. You don’t need to tell every single detail of why you are feeling off. The details are irrelevant. The feeling is what is most important. You are conveying your feelings of stress or anxiety to those around you so that they are aware of the state of being you are in. You are taking an active role in informing those around you. This way they may lower their expectations of you, and you can minimize the negative reactions of those around you. Of course, you can’t control the reactions of everyone, and there will still be some people who continue to have the same expectations of you no matter what, (just like those road-raging drivers who are angry no matter what), yet the odds of you receiving more compassion and understanding are increased.

Information is powerful. Not full on details, but simple statements of how you are feeling can completely shift the energy of those around you. Case in point ~ Perhaps I have an important business meeting that I need to actively participate in. Perhaps at the same time, my daughter is not feeling well and I am awaiting a call from her doctor. How shall I handle this situation? I more than likely will have to answer my phone mid-meeting. I could just step out and answer it, but that may result in my other team members feeling slighted or wondering if I’m invested in the meeting. Yet, I can also choose to enter the meeting and inform the team from the start that I will have my phone on vibrate because I am expecting an important call about my daughter that I will have to answer quickly and return to the meeting. This way, from the beginning, I am informing the team of my current state of feeling and also minimizing any negative reactions when I do leave the meeting. I am putting my hazards on for my team.

Try it out! Next time you aren’t feeling your best, let people know. Simple and clear is best ~ “I am not 100% today”, “I will do my best today, yet there are some things on my mind as well” … Informing those around you allows you to take a more active role in how they may respond to you. You don’t have full control, yet you increase your chances of receiving compassion rather than obscene gestures.

To learn more about Donna Ellenbogen and the amazing work she is doing with new moms and families, check out her website ~ FamilyWellnessNYC.com

Filed under: Addiction/Substance Use, Compassion Fatigue, Harm Reduction, Health, HIV/AIDS, Hope Notes, Mental Illness, Self-Care, Social Work, Strengths Perspective, Stress Reduction | Leave a Comment »

Using Self-Care to Remember Self-Care

Posted on November 11, 2012 by elizabethlombino

So I pride myself on being a sort of Guru on all things Self-Care.

As a Social Worker, my main areas of practice, research, and training are on the topic of Self-Care. Self-Care for clients and Self-Care for fellow professionals. As a Mom and survivor of Post-Partum Depression, I am uber-aware of the benefits of caring for myself to better care for my daughter. I also embrace Self-Care strategies in a variety of other settings and areas of my life. I have dozens of Post-It Notes full of specific Self-Care reminders. I have endless journals and work logs full of strategies and research. I’m always asking others what they do for Self-Care, not only for them to be thinking in those terms, but also so I can add to my endless list of ideas.

My friends, family, and colleagues know they can come to me for a nice needed dose of Self-Care. I will breathe with you, I will remind you to take care of yourself. I will even give you a nice, big hug, since sometimes that is my favorite Self-Care strategy. And I’m known for my hugs as I have perfected them over the years.

Yet, even those of us who live and breathe Self-Care can sometimes forget all those many strategies we have on Post It Notes cluttered around every corner of our home and office. Seriously, when I’m in a funk or a crisis happens, for some reason, those Post It Notes vanish before my eyes. Hard for me to admit this, but it’s true.

The gradual shift from being in Self-Care-mode to a state of not-quite-caring-for-self-mode can be subtle and insidious. My most recent “slip” materialized in the form of me seemingly forgetting just how important intense exercise is. I’m not quite sure how it happened, but it did. I was still walking, doing yoga, and some other forms of low-intensity exercise, so maybe part of me figured it was enough. For me, this is just a piece of my overall exercise needs. In order for me to feel less anxious, less depressed, more in control, energized, and happy, I need to incorporate several high-intensity workout sessions a few times a week. Weights, running, kick boxing, playing drums … anything that will allow my lungs to hurt and my aggression to be released. I can literally feel the toxins (both physical and emotional) melt from my body as my heart rate increases and I’m panting.

So, for whatever reason, I let those sessions become less and less frequent. My mood became more and more irritable, my sleep was off, my energy was off, I felt lethargic and cranky. I was able to snap back to reality when I finally did a hard-core workout again, felt amazing, and was all, “Oh yeah, now I remember why this is so important to my overall well being. Duh.”

It all happened this easily. I got in the funk slowly, but easily, yet I was able to come out quickly and easily. I swear, I can make things so much more complicated than they need to be.

The key, for me anyway, is to remember that I am human and may forget from time to time. So long as I remember, re-embrace my skills, hold onto what it feels like to *not* take care of myself and vow to minimize my going back there, then I am okay. After all, part of Self-Care is forgiving myself and allowing myself to experience all levels of this amazing journey.

Related Pieces:

Caring for Yourself While Caring for Others

On Being a Wounded Healer

The Cheat Sheet

The #1 Parenting Tool: A Sense of Humor

Filed under: Compassion Fatigue, Health, Hope Notes, Just for Laughs, Mental Illness, Motherhood, One and Done, Parenting, PerinatalMoodDisorders, Self-Care, Social Media, Strengths Perspective, Stress Reduction, Working Mom | 2 Comments »

Anyone Have Negativity Repellent?

Posted on June 20, 2012 by elizabethlombino

I’ve been in a negative space lately. Lots of reasons why, most of which have to do with myself allowing the negativity to take over.

Negativity is contagious. It spreads quicker than a clever George Takei meme.  Think about it – the old saying “misery loves company” is so true. Try it out – start complaining to someone about something, anything, and watch them eagerly engage in the bitch session. For some reason, it is easier for many of us to complain, criticize, condemn, and just plain negate. Once the negative vibes are there, it can be super hard to dissipate them.

To be clear, I am not referring to negativity’s lovely cousins sarcasm and cynicism. They are the more clever, thoughtful versions of not-so-positive thinking. I fully embrace and welcome these. To me, there is a huge difference between having a healthy level of satire and being full-on jaded. Welp, at this pace, I am fastly approaching the dark, jaded side and it’s not cute.

There are always both negative and positive voices around me. Usually, I can focus in on the positive and let the negative bounce off. But lately, the negative voices have been louder and more present in my mind. It’s been harder for me to block them out and to refocus on the positive and inspiring voices. I know full well that while I may not have control of the negative forces around me, I certainly have control over whether or not I choose to let them in. I choose how much space they occupy in my brain. Right now, I am allowing them to take over all areas of my brain with their seductive misery. Crap.

Okay, deep breath. It’s time to refocus, clean house. Time to quiet the negativity. Reconnect with my positive side. My inner cheerleader.

I need a repellent. A way to swat away the jaded stuff. To cover it in all things happy and fluffy. Some kind of spray that is equal parts rainbows, butterflies, and glitter. Glitter always works for Mia, so perhaps it will work for me. Even the most jaded forces can’t be taken seriously when covered in multi-colored, glittering butterflies. I mean, really.

Okay, being silly helps. I need to go from one extreme to the other in the hopes of finding a nice, happy medium. My usual balance of inspiration, creativity, motivation, and positive energy, with a dash of sarcasm and cynicism. I’m getting there. My funk is lifting. The glitter-filled repellent is working. Holla!

Filed under: Compassion Fatigue, Hope Notes, Just for Laughs, Self-Care, Strengths Perspective, Stress Reduction | 4 Comments »

Writing As A Life-Saving Tool

Posted on May 5, 2012 by elizabethlombino

Writing can be a life-affirming, powerful outlet for all things emotional. Some of us have difficulty saying how we feel. Writing, or any other form of creative expression, can assist in getting in touch with your soul. It can be an outlet for getting any negative energy out. It can help release the pressure and chaos swirling around in your brain and expunge them onto a piece of paper. Release. This is how it works for me.

For those who know me now, know I am loud, vivacious, always talking. I tend to be outgoing and always wanting to dive into a controversial discussion. Love to debate. Love to discuss various world views. Not afraid of a challenge. Okay, so this next statement may shock some people –  I wasn’t always like this. In fact, for those who have known me since I was younger know that I was nothing short of shy. The kid cowering in the corner, waiting to be seen? Yup, that was me.

One thing I always did was write. It was my outlet. I may not have been able to find the words to say out loud, but I could surely write them down. And write I did. About anything and everything. On any available piece of paper I could get my hands on — diaries, journals, note pads, in between taking notes during class, scraps of paper. I wrote random thoughts, poems, short stories … I even attempted a novel at age 13, but it didn’t quite blossom into anything more than a few random chapters that made sense to me at the time.

Writing was such a release and a source of power for me. I could write about whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and no one would know. These scattered sentences housed my own private world view. Writing has allowed me to find my voice. The words allowed me to explore things in new ways. They allowed me to explore myself in new and exciting ways. It is such an incredible feeling to magically connect words in ways that more accurately express my thoughts and feelings than my speaking voice ever could. Writing provided me with a sense of purpose and clarity in a world that seemed unreasonable and confusing.

Fast forward to the present day and I still write on a daily – if not hourly – basis. Now writing is even more of a source of release and control for me. I don’t feel complete or in control until I write my thoughts down. Seriously. I have about 2-3 journals going on right now and I fill each one up in about a month or so. I am currently working on about 31 blog post drafts. Taking notes at work is a must – in fact, I received an “Anal Retentive” Award at work for “taking endless notes at each meeting.” It was a proud moment for me. Countless lists, post-it notes, scraps of paper with my thoughts and feelings. If there were ever a spark in my home, we’d have a bonfire very quickly…. which reminds me, I need to reorganize and make sure my work is categorized safely in binders.

Writing has saved me. It can save you too, or at least help you feel a little less stressed. It’s an effective tool that can be used anytime, anywhere. Write down your dreams at 3am. Write down how aggravated you are after a grueling meeting. Write down how much you dislike a person. You can write these things down on a random scrap of paper and then rip it to shreds. The point isn’t always to keep a record, but to get the negative thoughts out of your mind. It can work just as well, if not better, as talking with a good friend.

Thoughts are powerful. Especially when you close your eyes to go to sleep, or need to concentrate on a specific task. By writing the thoughts down, you can take some of the power back. Stop the swimming swirl of chaotic thoughts that can overpower your mind. It’s a clear catharsis. A literal release of tension from your brain through your arm and hand, onto the paper. Incredibly powerful and liberating.

I have no idea where I would be without writing. Perhaps I would still be quiet and shy, without a clear voice. Holding in all of my opinions. I know a few people in my life who wouldn’t mind seeing me that way …

Filed under: Compassion Fatigue, Hope Notes, Mental Illness, Motherhood, One and Done, PerinatalMoodDisorders, Self-Care, Strengths Perspective, Stress Reduction | Leave a Comment »

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